The women of Wayne's, or WOW's as they shall be referred to henceforth, have an urgent announcement to make...
WAYNE is missing. We do not know WHERE Wayne is. Did he Wayne himself three times and ask himself to leave? Maybe he has fallen and he cannot get up? OR maybe he is NO longer interested in staying on the subject?
The WOW's are lost and cannot get into the room. We MUST have a new Wayne at the door - to keep us in line - and tell us when to be STOP. What are we to do when our harem outfits need cleaning?
We are putting forth an offer for a NEW Wayne or a "PseudoWayne" to borrow a phrase from the purple people. The WOW's would like to post the following ad...
Madness!! - Auditions. "Stray Females & Groupies Bouncer" for permanent role as Protector of the Women of _________'s (insert YOUR name) and their Hosts. Ageless and Timeless. Want spirited Peter Pan types. Have courage to lurk. Must get up for interview.
Now that this is done.....Where were we since the last installment of _______'s? Since we cannot get into the room due to a missing Wayne, the phantom will have to bring you up to speed on what has happened in the many months since the WOW's have been missing in the desert - and other places.
In the spring of the year - the beige women had a love in. The fete was held in the remains of a grassy field. The beige woman had erected tents and a lovely little stage on which the host could entertain and in which he could receive his admirers. There were thousands of beige women waving their beige arms and chanting to their favorite host, the one who is matching disabled and smiles from the heart.
The beige women had such a wonderful day that they began laying bricks for a new yellow brick road around their host's tent. Their host was very touched and promised that he will remember where the beige women like to congregate. And that like all good flying monkeys - find them and fly back to the castle. Toto too.
The beige women smile waaaay too much don't ya think? Big goofy smiles and dopey expressions abound with the beige ladies. The beige women's favorite host really knows how to work a room. The beige women have this Wayne's Room thing really figured out.
The other WOW's, pink, and assorted, who were at the love in, began making mental notes on how get even with the beige WOW's in the summer of the year. The pink WOW's might have to plan a similar love-in for their favorite host in 2001. Hmmmmmmmm.
When spring ended, and the beige women recovered from the deep sadness due to the departure of their favorite host, it was again time to travel.
Beige women have all learned to fly due to the pushy nature of the pink women. The pink women make sure the beigeys and assorted women fly constantly. And we mean constantly, as the pink women's favorite host might show up anywhere. And we mean anywhere!
The WOW's found themselves in another oasis in the winter of 1998. It was a beautiful oasis with the clearest water we have ever seen.
The Plumber and the Promoter, who always arrive early to make sure things are as they should be, are singing in the hot tub at the oasis. It is not over yet as neither The Plumber or The Promoter is well, uh well...large. The Plumber and the Promoter NEVER let some of the stay women sing. As soon as the first note escapes their lips, it is over every time. It is one of the P&P's jobs to make sure Wayne keeps the strays out of Wayne's and NEVER lets them sing.
Gretel constantly reminds The Plumber and The Promoter that she thinks they are anorexic - and need to eat.
HARK! The host is at the door! The pink women begin to assemble for his arrival. Let us see who comes...
Ah - the Real Angel and the Lost Angel, the faded Cheerleader, The Phantom and the Spider Woman and OH NO! - the Party Room Girls! The WOW's RARELY get along with the Party Room Girls, as the PRG's like to sing and collect the merry minstrels who entertain the host with their tomfoolery. And everyone knows that the host NEVER goes to the party(room).
The sun is shining and our WOW's are lounging in close proximity to the host. The host is wearing one of his favorite pair of baggy (ass) shorts over a light blue Speedo. He has cell phone in hand - and the boxes that follow a queen or our host constantly. The WOW's notice that the host is not chumping on a hoagie today. He must be on a diet. Maybe it is due to the fact that his black Speedo was getting a bit - uh - well - uh, small and he now has a new light blue one.
It should be mentioned that that the BEIGE women's favorite fellow NEVER ever wears a Speedo, (anymore). This is due to the fact that all of the WOW's (and actually most any woman actually alive) would either faint, begin trying to beat each other up, take photographs, or start that goofy smiling and/or baby talk again. Graciously the beige women's host understands this huge power and this honor and is kind.
(Oh sorry - we were distracted. Uh where were we? Oh yes, uh yes, the hosts oasis. Right...)
The pink women's favorite fellow has decided that it is time for some merriment. It is all too quiet at the oasis today.
Hark! Who comes here? It looks like an entire army of young college boys coming over the horizon.
Someone apparently tipped off the boys that the man was in town and that all good vultures should come out and check out the feast of left overs. Wait, The WOW's are not LEFT... or OVER... for anyone and so like all good divas, the WOW's exercized some diva power. Such a pitiful sight and gnashing of teeth... the young college boys flexing and positioning themselves at their best viewing angle... and the WOW's acting as if they never noticed and can see nothing but the host.
The host decided to it was time for a real show of stength - so he began to juggle chairs. He also had the court jesters juggling chairs. The host threw in some loud jokes just for good measure and everyone at court began to laugh on cue.
The women begin to laugh softly and the young college men began to cry - loudly - and leave - admitting defeat and wondering what power the host held in his little fingers. Some were reading course catalogues hoping that he taught a class - or two.
Meanwhile - back at the oasis - the Plumber and Gretel were on a mission in Las Vegas - to bring back some towels...
Towels are sooooo important and there were NO towels at the oasis. All variety of towels were needed - towels to wipe up things, dry things and even a large one to use as a hankie. (I can't believe he B.H.N.I. a T. what? well sorry Gretel - we won't go there.)
And oh, no, The raven just fell off her perch - again - laughing. Somebody set her back up again ok? She is due to teach a class on sword fighting...
The Gardner, Makes an Appearance